Co-Parenting Challenges in Divorce with a History of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a harrowing, painful, and frequently traumatic experience for those who are victims. In fact, one study found that 75% of IPV (intimate partner violence) victims were later diagnosed with PTSD.

It is hard enough to break free from an abuser and get divorced. But when you two have children together, things often get even more complicated. Co-parenting with a history of domestic violence may make you feel like you’re reliving the trauma or forced to endure it all over again.

That is why it is crucial to strike a balance between keeping yourself safe and doing what is best for your child.

At Bansmer Law, our legal team has over 10 years of experience helping clients protect their family while co-parenting with an abusive ex-spouse. Keep reading for our best tips on staying safe in this situation, plus answers to the questions we hear most often.

Parallel Parenting: A Safe Way to Co-Parent

Co-parenting can be the ideal situation in a divorce, where you and your ex would work together respectfully to do whatever is best for your child(ren) in any given situation.

Doing so is almost always difficult for divorcing couples. But when there is also a history of domestic violence, it can feel like a Herculean task. Co-parenting in the traditional sense may not be the most effective path forward if your ex continues to be hostile, manipulative, and abusive.

Instead, what is called “parallel parenting” may be best. The goal is minimizing opportunities for your ex to negatively impact you and your child(ren).

These plans have extremely clear guidelines to protect you. A couple examples are outlining that all communication happens in writing, and disallowing contact unrelated to your kids. You can even specify the use of apps that don’t allow altering of text in the event you need records for court.

Staying Safe While Co-Parenting with a History of Domestic Violence

Though every situation is different, there are three things you should always focus on when trying to co-parent with an abusive ex-spouse. When you choose Bansmer Law as your San Joaquin County divorce lawyer, you will also receive custom-tailored legal advice to help you stay safe.

Self-Advocate and Be Aware of Your Legal Rights

Domestic violence does not just mean physical abuse—emotional abuse and manipulation are often present, too. Has your ex shown signs of emotional manipulation in the past, whether towards you or your child(ren)? If so, your legal rights and protections can help prevent future occurrences.

Just know that even with a skilled attorney by your side, advocating for yourself is necessary to some extent.

The court cannot utilize these legal rights unless they have the full history of domestic violence with your ex. Sharing openly with your divorce lawyer and in court when relevant has to happen. Otherwise, exercising options like protective orders and restraining orders will be far more difficult.

Lay Out Clear Boundaries, Including How You Communicate

Abusers are known for often being controlling, jealous, and disrespectful, among other things. You may have already experienced your ex trying to twist your words around, get your child(ren) on their “side,” manipulate events to their own advantage, or any number of other abusive actions.

But you do not have to bear their abuse anymore.

Spending time planning and considering boundaries with your ex is extremely wise and beneficial. Everything from communication methods, to the hours you can be contacted, to how each of you communicate about your child(ren) should be clearly spelled out.

You can also try modern solutions like scheduling tools and apps. Because phone calls can quickly tread into emotional territory, a third-party text-based app can be great for maintaining your boundaries.

Protect Yourself and Utilize Safe Spaces

To keep both you and your child(ren) safe, you should always handle in-person meetings in a secure public space. Outside a public library, police station, or your child’s school/daycare are good examples. People will be around if your ex starts to get loud, and you can easily get help if things escalate.

Just make sure these places are open for business if you meet outside of them. There is no benefit to you if the business is closed at that time.

You may also want or need a neutral third-party present for meetings and exchanges.

Frequently Asked Questions About Co-Parenting in a Divorce in CA

Even with all this information about co-parenting with an abusive ex, it is still a very challenging situation to navigate. Our expert Stockton divorce lawyer Erica Bansmer has helped many families like yours get clear answers to pressing questions, like the ones below.

How Can a Survivor of Domestic Violence Ensure the Safety and Well-Being of Their Children During Co-Parenting Arrangements?

To ensure the safety and well-being of your children during co-parenting arrangements with a history of domestic violence, always remember that the law is on your side.

If, in the past five years, your ex was convicted of domestic violence against you or a court determined they committed domestic violence against you, the judge most likely cannot give custody to your ex—not even joint custody.

Visitation rights are still on the table, which is why your parenting plan must be iron-clad. Doing so is the only way to protect your kids.

Also, do not forget about restraining orders and protective orders. When you file these, you can also ask the judge to issue custody and visitation orders simultaneously. Utilizing these legal protections is typically one of the best and only ways to truly ensure the safety and well-being of your children.

What Strategies Can Be Employed to Minimize Conflict and Create a More Peaceful Co-Parenting Environment for the Children?

Some of the best strategies to employ for minimizing conflict and creating a more peaceful co-parenting environment for the children are:

• Using a scheduling tool for managing custody, visitation, and your kids’ needs
• Outlining clear routines in your parenting plan to avoid disrupting your children’s schedules
• Keeping communication 100% focused on the needs of the children
• Seeking mediation or other legal protections when you need them
• Never use your children as messengers to communicate with your ex

What Legal Measures Can Be Taken to Protect Children from Potential Harm While Co-Parenting with a History of Domestic Violence?

The legal measures you can take to protect your children from potential harm while co-parenting with a history of domestic violence include:

• Restraining orders
• Custody and visitation orders
• Custody mediation through the court
• Court-ordered parenting plans
• Termination of the abuser’s parental rights (both legal and physical)

While it would be nice to live in a world where these measures aren’t necessary, the unfortunate truth is that domestic violence happens. In 2021, there were over 160,000 domestic assault cases— and that is just California, not the entire country.

But you do not have to silently suffer through more abuse until your children are independent adults.

There are quite a few legal protections, supportive resources, and powerful strategies you can employ to safely co-parent with a history of domestic violence.

If you’d like to learn more about how hiring an expert San Joaquin County divorce lawyer like Erica Bansmer can help you navigate this challenging situation without compromising your own sanity and safety, contact us now.